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Something to explain why he buys you sexy lingerie (or wants to) !

February 13, 2013

This is an excerpt from my book, Opening Secret Boxes. A chapter relating to men and women, sex and when intimacy may go wrong. It is just a taste of explaining the gender’s differences!

(…Let’s take the example of life once having started a family. With that change things will have altered hugely for a woman, but they would not have changed in the same way for a man.)
Women can be very content, and fulfilled having the tap on their hearts open: caring, giving, and loving. They can be so fulfilled that sex needn’t be up there in their “greatest needs” chart. Men, at this time, carry on being fulfilled by creating and looking after their empires (family and work). For both genders, however, all that they create or sustain,doesn’t matter much if there is not other loving/appreciative beings to share it with. But this is when the difference in each gender’s needs becomes most apparent, ie: the woman’s super-primary emotional need, and the man’s super-primary sexual need.

The thing we haven’t typically understood is that these needs both lead to the same place – that of being more loving, giving and emotional. For men, having sex is like the key on their “safe”. If their safe is their heart, you don’t easily get there unless you turn the key first. It’s just the way they are built! In an on-going, intimate relationship, it is via sex that men go on and on opening up to their deeper emotions and loving feelings for their partner. There are no two ways about it. But this is especially true if the sex has evolved into making Love. Every woman will hopefully know this. Every time a man is in that “after-glow” state, that is when his partner can feel his love so powerfully. You are both, at that time, wrapped in this wondrous blanket of love. That is when you both drink in the loving nectar that holds you until the next time. It takes very special circumstances to feel that same powerful love at other non-intimate times. Stop and think about this for awhile.

We can sum it up in another way: for men – having sex can become making love, but it rarely starts off as such simply because their hearts have not yet fully opened in those initial moments. Women, on the other hand, can make love from the outset, and would often prefer that, rather than having sex. Because then we get the other fix we like, which is the Love created (to make love = to create love). To illustrate further: if we make love on a Sunday, we can usually happily have sex with you on a Tuesday (for instance!) since our hearts our still happily full enough of your cherishing love.

It is because of how they are built that it’s sadly possible for men to feel not properly loved if their woman doesn’t (sometimes) approach them in their way, ie: just wanting lovely, horny sex! Because, after all, it is the direction in which they move when they want to show love. (But do remember I am still having to generalise. There are men out there who don’t have the heavier leaning towards all things masculine, just as there are women who won’t have the heavier leaning to the typical feminine needs and ways.)

Unfortunately, without this understanding, women can get to a point of feeling that their way of loving is superior. Perhaps because it comes via the heart we feel it’s more unconditional, as opposed to via his nether regions! – and thus seemingly “conditional”. I’ve heard women say, ‘why do they have to have such base needs?’ But let me again say something in the defence of men. Whether we are considering our needs, or men’s, ALL needs are base. The Buddhas and Christs amongst us don’t have needs (they will have evolved past them to a place of amazing freedom which others can’t quite imagine, or do only dream of).

Very damagingly, a certain generation of men may have been conditioned to think that it is not far off being an animal if they go on having these great desires and urges, and that they should aspire to get past them. Women have had their opinions of men tainted in the same way. But a man’s drive is not a base need that he should aspire to get past them, it is a very real physiological propulsion that doesn’t tend to leave him. (It may not be such an evident need if he is very well balanced, very well evolved, or on a spiritual journey.) It is this lack of compassionate understanding which has produced the catastrophic downward spiral found in so many relationships. Because men have been shamed or embarrassed as a result of this conditioning, they have learned that they may have to fib about how they satisfy their sexual needs, even if it is innocently via masturbation, and/or a bit of porn.

But man’s truth, before there is any deception, is that his need to be sexual is as innocuous and as natural as a woman’s need to be emotional: to talk, to chat, to have some pampering, or to be listened to. But what makes their need “base” is the deception that became seemingly necessary because of our historical fear, our conditioned thinking, and lack of insight. Once these are removed, and we have fresh insight into men, they will feel easier in their skins, they will stand up for themselves and their super-primary need, and the guilt and lies that made that need ‘base’ will vanish. I hope that women will trust to this being the outcome, as they too stand up for their own super-primary need. I’m not sticking up for men in all of my arguments, I am sticking up for Truth, and what that brings. Women do deserve to know what kind of relationship is possible with men! – because they can be heaven on earth. (The visa versa is taken as read!)

* * * * *
And that opposite is so easily achieved: a relationship that gets better and better, sex that immediately becomes love-making that is spellbinding for both partners (and that can even be past the menopause) because it is intoxicating, with real depth and real
height in emotions, sexiness, and passion. This sort of relationship is all that both genders dream of…

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2 Comments
  1. Reblogged this on thedancingmennonite and commented:
    This was so good I immediately tweeted it. But this well articulated piece of conversation deserves more notice. Hope you read it thoroughly!

    • I hope that via the many beautiful beings that we are that such helpful insight and direction may be given to plenty others. Thank you for your encouragement, ReTweeting and re-blogging! X

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