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Why she may not have been happy with the (Valentine) Sexy Lingerie

February 15, 2013

This is an excerpt from my book. This chapter deals with married life, and when intimacy may go wrong. It deals with the battle that rages in too many lives: quality of life, precious time and what is important vs all the pressures of juggling work and family…
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Within those early days, when so many lives and paths are being juggled, time typically can be short, and the possibility for equally satisfying love-making is small. That deep bonding that would help parents cope seems elusive. That fact causes stress, and the downward spiral carries on. Sex gets crammed into the end of the night when both are tired. And both typically roll back over wondering why they bothered since it was so brief and empty. What can one expect when no time to relax, yet alone build loving feelings and energies, has been created? This is a time when sexual problems may rear their head: premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and the dwindling of interest in both. One can nigh on script this (or similar version) happening with every couple.

A woman can get an idea of how upset and depressed her partner may feel at that time by doing one thing. If she were to deprive herself of all the things that she gives love to (and receives it back from) like that baby, her children, or puppy, and carried on with little or no emotional support from her partner, SHE would end up in the same depressed and lacklustre state her partner feels when HE is deprived a loving and sexy relationship. She would feel as if her life candle had completely gone out.

Women, please do pause here to truly imagine how this would feel for you.

But it is in exactly the same way that her very real need for loving, emotional support from her partner matches his sexual drive in validity and seriousness. A woman bereft of this support from her partner feels as if her life candle has gone out. A man must get an idea as to how unhappy his partner may be becoming at this same testing time. The important exercise for him would be to look at how low and depressed he can feel.

Men, please do pause here to truly imagine how this would feel for you.

* * * * *

It is SO important that the first damaging steps are not taken. Resentment can occur on both sides the minute our needs are not met. The minute that happens we are less likely to give generously and lovingly to each other. We start feeling as if we must take in order to have our needs met, and that is never a good thing. I do believe that heightened emotions, tiredness and stress add fuel to what is not normally an inflammatory situation, ie: if a couple were otherwise restricted from their normal level of intimacy. She steps back when she feels that she is not being emotionally supported, and he steps back when he feels not lovingly/sexually supported. Both parties believe that they are doing so much for the family good that they don’t feel it is their fault, nor do they feel inclined to take the first conciliatory step. In no time a chasm may exist, across which there is little easy movement, nor communication.

It is certainly a dicey time. It is a time when really good, honest, non-blaming communication is essential. It is a time when understanding each other’s makeup is essential so that we do not hurt one another. It is a time when we need reminding just who we are, and what is important.

Consider this worst case common scenario. She/ He arrives home too late from work to enjoy their loving children. There is perhaps less loving support between the partners. Their working day has not been filled with love. So, where else are they to
find it? It is the cause of so many of us living our lives with a touch of sadness. We ALL need love. We all benefit from love. Our homes should be full of it. Our homes, partners and families should be that haven.

Every new, loving couple has everything in place to learn how to carry on loving perfectly, through testing times, if they don’t blow it first. Every other couple has the means to re-fill their relationship with love and joy. The secret is in knowing how.

Example: although I love the work that I do, it does also sadden me. A large number of my clients are men seeking guidance. Time and again I am told: ‘We have a great relationship. All aspects within it are good except that we have little or no sex-life. She seems ok with that, but I look at the rest of my days and am distraught that it will
probably only get worse. What can I do?’ And these men share the typical low mood, low energy, and lack of sparkle that I described above. What saddens me further is that I would highly bet on the fact that his partner is doing just what I described – she is managing well to stop her life-candle from blowing out altogether, whilst she lives with this man offering her less love than he once did. And I’d bet even more highly on the likelihood that she’d love that original man back. That man who first wooed and openly cherished her has been missing for awhile, just as she has been missing to him. But, as too often happens, they have taken steps away from each other, they have cauterised their own hurt by so doing, and each buries a sadness within, of which they no longer speak.

To re-cap:
To really get to the most powerful and beautiful energies and love of a woman, one needs to fully satisfy her heart. Since where we want to welcome you (into our hearts and our bodies) is still very sacred a space (even un-knowingly to us), we can only really let you access our beautifully loving and sexual Goddess by first helping us feel safe, valued and truly loved. (We can’t easily “give” if we feel you’re going to share all the details with your friends!) Whilst to get the biggest love from a man, we need to travel the other way first, fully satisfying his sexual needs, before we might in time truly claim his heart and obtain his utterly devoted love. I guess each gender needs confirmation that what is important to it (love, and sex, respectively) has good potential of being long-term satisfied.

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